hey, havent been here for a couple of days, well ive bin on and looking at all the posts but have not posted anything, not on the community page or either my journal. lame i know...

ive started the ABC, i hope i can stick to it till the end...it would be a great accomplishment..for me a major one lol.
havent had much sleep last nite, i had a panic attack...mainly to do with my periods, im on and recently have been getting panic attacks everytime im on, it was too bad a couple of years ago but now its out of hand, i cant go to the docs, coz he'll just lose weight, ur obese, ur still growing, ill give u antibiotics or ibufren, they will help.....fuckin load of crap well apart from being obese(like i didnt know that anyway!!!)

i need need need to get diet pills, good ones asap!!!

Quod me nutrit, me destruit (What nourishes me, also destroys me.)

hey, ok lets just get straight to the point coz i cant be asked today, anyways last nite i went to my mates house and she made fish with potatoes and steamed veggies, i was like oh none for me thanks, thinking i got away with it...yeah rite!!!
i went to the bathroom, come back and theres a plate laid for with 2 huge chunks of grilled fish, loads of potatoes and veggies...i wudnt have minded the veggies but fish AND potatoes, so she was like ok start, i was like ummmm i sed i didnt want any and shes like oh u mite as well otherwise ur wasting food...im like wtf???

so i ate but only had a half of a chunk of fish and the steamed veggies....

anyways that was the past...new today....
ive brought 2 pots of jello/jelly which are about 60 cals each, i only got 2 coz im werking late 2nite so im gna have one at lunch and one on late shift break so that i wont have to eat wen i get home.....

ive also had a coffee -- about 30 cals...no sugar

and ive got volvic touch of fruit -- about 7 cals for 500ml

so thats 167 cals for the day..but i may have a tea at lunch coz i feel like im coming down with sumthing and im freezing cold!!!

anyway i feel like bitching but im not gonna...if it gets worse later on tonite then ill post again..lol

MWAH!!!

nothing tastes good as thin feels!!!

OMG!! i forget to tell you, i think my mum found my knife and blades, i forgot them under my pillow, i come back from work and theyre gone, now i gotta go and buy some more!!! fuck!!! not happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi, broke my fast today, dunnoo why, i had an omellette with cheese and onions and beans....stupid i know, im major fool for doing so but only coz i had pains on my left side... i know its a lame excuse and i thought it would help...it didnt.
instead i puked it all up...which is good...punishment for me to even think and eat the damn food!!!

so far ive had 1 black coffee, some cranberry juice, a cup of tea and that dreaded omellette....ive ruined it!!

thats all...bye

hello, ive decided now, im gna start writing on here everyday...even if my bf does read but oh well, i cant hide anything from him...no matter what, i think ive hurt him enough so im not gna do that to him now.....well im having a shit iday ve only had  an hours sleep, im tired but im also quite hyper coz the sun is out and feels like summer...well almost...
anyways, i was depressed again last nite, i had 3 pickled onions and 2 chillies for dinner yesterday....it was good coz i had to go to the loo straight away..lol ive been 3 times already which for me is great coz ive been suffering from constipation for about 10 years now...lol

anyways, im doin okish, still within my 500 cals, will be fasting 2moro for one day and then back to 500 cals a day for a couple of days, im trying to cut my coffee intake so instead im gna have herbal or green tea in the morning and fresh orange juice for lunch and then 2 pickled onions for dinner....ooohhhh and loads of water!!!

spent last nite doin some exercise, felt alot better..i think maybe thats why im so energetic....lol.

anyways, i got a oj at lunch and went for a walk which was nice....

im gonna go now coz i gotta get back to werk...

but yeah think thin......

hi, i try and not come here and post comments but its so damn addictive, i cant seem to stick to nething if i dont log atleast once a day even if im just reading other ppls posts, it really helps me be more stronger...yes sometimes i do have the down days but oh well..
my bf keeps reading my journal wenever i post....i dont mind but this is the only thing that i can call my own...i know that sounds stupid but i dont how to explain it to u...its weird....its like a control thing...!!

oh it was quite funny, i fell flat on my face on saturday, hurt my knees real bad but im actaully loving the pain, be4 i was sooo afraid of a tiny lil needle or even a paper cut but i think i enjoy getting hurt, is dat weird??

 anyways im feeling depressed again....nothing new there..lol
like i always say im so sick of pretending that im happy and life cudnt be better...i need control over my life like i used to wen iwas at high skool and college, i loved it but now everythin just slips out of my fingers!!! im soooo angry that id outburst a fukin volcano....

i HATE WORK!!!!! i HATE MY LIFE!!!! i keep saying but nothng makes it better, y??

wat have i done so wrong that i cant be happy any more...im constantly depressed....mum goes on and on and on...ders no end to this hell hole!!!!!!

oh u know what fuck this!!!

ok, ive had a terrible start to the week....just loads of shit going on...im not happy and can feel myself going into depression mode, i know i know its bad but im actaully quite if i go into a serious depression mode coz wen im depressed i dont eat and if i dont eat i lose weight!!! im gonna start a new gym soon but it only opens in feb so until then i suppose ill have to exercise at home and go for jogs or walks w/e...

i hate my life, i hate werk, i hate my home life and most of all i HATE MYSELF!!!

i really really need to sort myself out, ive been having 500 cals a day for the past 2 days...i do feel hungry at times but then im like ok ill go n eat in 5 mins, 5 more mins, just another 5 more mins and  like that i can forget that i was ever hungry!!!

it feels like my life is coming to an end....on some days i have full control over everything i do and days like today i have nothing, im empty handed and feel like a binge coming and knowing myself and my bf, he will defo coax me into eating and i will give in like a fat cow that i am....


i keep having these dreams that my bf dumps me for a skinnier, hotter and prettier girl than.....this thing is ruining my mental stability coz i keep thinking my bf is cheating on me and aggggghhhhhh i just dont know what to do...wenever he says i love u or i miss u it feels like he doesnt mean it any more....i know hes not cheating on me but my mind is playing games and i cant stand it any more...wen he talks to girls at werk or if hes on the fone and he doesnt answer my call..wen he talks in general about an actress or singer anything....i think wtf...why are u talking about her, wats so good about her blah blah blah...im scared this is gonna fuck up my relationship..... wat am i gonna do...i need to stop thinking like this...im constantly thinking he likes someone else, he doesnt feel what he used to feel for me...but then again i dont blame him...who would like to be with a fat ugly failure like me any way...i certainly wouldnt....im sick and disgusted with myself....

last nite i had an urge to cut myself again and my bf was on the fone....after he put the fone down i switched off my pc went to the bathroom and cut myself on my the inside of my thigh but where it joins pelvic area if that makes sense coz thats only place he wont be able to see the cuts...lol

im sorry that all my recent journals have been so long but i always need to talk and i dont have ne1 and its driving me mad....

anyways im gonna go now coz im busting for the loo, lol
c ya.

xxx

ok, i was doing really well, on friday i managed to get out of dinner coz no one was at home so i just put some food in a plate, binned it then left my dirty plate near the sink so that my mom will think ive had dinner, then on saturday didnt eat all day again, then i made a 3 course indian meal for my family...didnt eat again..woo hoo..apparenly it was really nice...when mom asked why im not eating i just oh i was nibbling on the food while i was cooking and now im too stuffed...hehehehe works all the time...lol.
then on sunday had a latte in the morning and low fat noodles at lunch as i was at work and with my bf...i did manage to purge most of it out but i think it was too late....then i had to go round my friends house and they got a bottle of wine out and little nibbles like sausage rolls (which i didnt have...yay..kinda!!) and cashew nuts and cookies and choccies... i dont how on earth i managed to have a handful of cashew nuts...but i managed to stop myself from picking other foods and sticking it down my fat gob....woo hoo...then got home just after midnite..moms like have dinner i was like no i just had a major meal at my friends house...so she was what ever.
omg!! i was getting ready this morning and mom comes into my room and goes are you sure ur not pregnant...i was like wtf???? and she goes, ur constantly on a diet and most of the time exercising but uve still got a such a big belly...u look pregnant blah blah blah and even i look slimmer than u now blah blah blah......WTF!!!!!

im very depressed at the moment....i had a skinny latte this morning and im very close to a huge binge coz im sooooo depressed...i think i need seriuos help...im going to join a gym soon....its not too bad coz its one bus away from werk and i cud always walk home coz its about 10-15 min walk.....

i think i am gna binge and i also have a very bad urge to cut myself or atleast punch or hurt myself in any fucking way i can!!!!

think thin!!!!! 

 Hey Hey!!
ok so today im at werk, its friday, weekends almost here and the weather is really shitty...ive started the fast again (why does this always happen to me, im so sick of it, i stick to it for a couple of days and then i eat coz im a fat PIG!!!) anyways starting again today, im not gonna bother to set my self a target date....today ive had 1 cup skinny latte (95 cals??), green tea, a bottle of water and umpteen slimming pills oh and a multivitamin, 2 cigs.
im gonna go for a walk at lunch since i only get 1/2 an hour lunch. need a cig now but will have 1 in about an hour and 1/2 coz ill be on lunch then.

i really need to start jogging/running again an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening but the weather is so shit and i get colds and flus very quickly as i have a sensitve immune.

i dont what to do...i need exercise...need it...crave it.....im sick of being so fat and ugly...

sometimes i wonder why my bf is with me...we've been together for almost 5 years and i dont understand why he's with me, im repulsive, ugly, fat, disgusting!!!
i bet u he secretly hates me and probably wants to end with me soon but he's not one of those ppl who hurts ppls feelings etc....i know i embarress him when we go out together coz im such a heffalump...he shudnt have to feel that way...like last week when i had to go to my best friends bday thing, my friend invited him too but i think he was too embarressed to go out with me because he goes ooohhh you know i dont like going to places like that and i think that was just an excuse to get out of going out with me...
i also embarress my sisters and my mum when i go out with them coz im soooo fat and ugly....
like before my sisters used to love hanging out with me and their friends too, but now its like im just an embarressment to everyne.....im a big burden on this world, sometimes i wish i could die or if i died instead of my Dad....im sooo depressed now.....i feel like i need to just relieve myself....i cant even cut myself coz i dont want my bf to see that i hurt myself but i do bang my head in the wall, pull my hair, pinch myself real hard but not hard enuff to leave any marks....do u think that stupid??
thats the only way i feel some what normal...
also another thing...is it crazy that im going off sex...well not exactly going off but i feel very concious when im with my bf...i think he is also going off it coz when ever i say do u wanna stay out (we both live our familys so we have to stay in a hotel) he goes oh no save ur money, y do u wanna waste money??

ish i hate myself, i hate my life, i hate everything....

i need to stop hurting the ppl around me and the only way i can do that is by being skinny super skinny.

i wanna lose alot of weight, i wanna be ill, i wanna get hospitlized, i wanna go into hybernation so one needs to see this ugly person that i am!!!!

ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh pls i need to do this, if i dont i mite as well die......

sorry this is soooo long!!!
 

OMG!!! im stuck at werk....feel sick and tired...need to get out of this shitty place!!!
im so sick of everything....of life, home, werk....ish i keep saying this but i dont even have any friends left, its fucking driving me mad....the only support i have is on lj...it rules my life....i cant survive without it for even a day.....i hate putting on this i cudnt be happier face on every day of my shitty life....i have no self control...nuthing!!!!!!

i cant even stick to fasting for 30 days, how fucked up is that???
i eat lunch with my bf, sometimes i manage to get away and purge....
but i always manage to hide my dinner and bin it or something and no one knows which is really cool...i love that control and the hunger pains and when my tummy growls its music to my ears...weird??? i know but i love i love it i love it!!!

anyways, today ive had 2 cups of coffee, half a bottle of cranberry juice, water...took a dose of my 10,000 different slimming pills(lol) and had half of a chicken and salad wrap...been quite bad..... *slap my wrist*
im gonna go home....hide my dinner, im just a bit worried about the weekend now coz i dont want it smelling of shittiness....hehehehehe...

anyways need to get more slimming pills...pills pills jeez i love those damn pills...

bye for now....